She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
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He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
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Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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