Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
