Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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