I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize