So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i think i just lost a toe
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
