the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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