Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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