you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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