Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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