I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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