Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
