Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
