And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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