And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
