I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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