Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize