Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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