I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
