hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
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