remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
