Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
