I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
