she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
