Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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