Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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