dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
