i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
