5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
