Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
