I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
