Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
