I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
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we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
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When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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