The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
