Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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