Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
