The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
