I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
