Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
