I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
