I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
