Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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