maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
