I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
