In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
