If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
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yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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