Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
