I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
