end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
