New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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