The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
