I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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