sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
