I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
