My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
